Ex-Squeeze Me?

Renee and I are so sophisticated. We jet to exotic locations for lunch and head home. That is if Cleveland can be considered exotic and if you can consider an old Volvo that qualifies for “cash for clunkers” a jet. Sorry, but there are no pictures of me in my ascot and Renee in her scarf. And just between you and me, the stewardess’ service was terrible.

Yesterday, we did a road trip to Cleveland for Renee’s first official post-op with the surgeon. These follow ups are always an eye opener. The Cleveland Clinic just a few weeks ago was again rated as the number two hospital in the world for digestive diseases. The Mayo Clinic secured the number one spot. I know what you’re thinking, why didn’t you take Renee to the top hospital? Two reasons, one, number two tries harder to become number one and two, proximity, although Cleveland is five hours away by car, it is possible to do a day trip. Plus, the Mayo is somewhere in Minnesota. It’s likely that the same people who are voting it number one are the ones who stuffed the ballot box for Jesse Ventura and Al Franken. Can they really be relied upon for surgical matters?

Being a top hospital for a particular specialty though does not mean that they are the best at all things. Administration is also important. My scorecard for this last surgery has their rating very low this time around. One, they initially did not have a bed for Renee on the colorectal floor despite a three month heads up. The difference between the care on the general care floors and the colorectal unit is night and day, similar to the difference between Louisville Baptist East Hospital’s CDC Unit and the Park Towers. Two, the surgeon prescribed two medications for Renee to combat the high output and dehydration, these did not make it to the discharge papers. Three, it appears that the post-op letter from the surgeon advising of the importance of taking these medications was never mailed.

Three strikes you’re out. Or, in Renee’s case, you’re in, the hospital that is. Her trip to the BEast here was easily preventable if she had received the proper instruction and medication at the time of her release from Cleveland. In these days of high speed communication (yes, they have our email addresses), there is no excuse for some letter not to make it through and blaming snail mail. And, where are the prescriptions that you supposedly prescribed Doc? Saying this is common after this type of surgery and that you always prescribe these things to prevent it doesn’t cut it. You screwed up, admit it.

The rest of Renee’s check up went well. He gave her the old how-de-do with the finger probe to check out the rectal connections and said all is well. He had to add again how much trouble he had during surgery stretching everything out and hooking it all up. I ‘m not sure if he was looking for an “oh wow, you’re such a great surgeon” or trying to divert attention away from the fact that he failed to properly fill out the discharge paperwork. I don’t care how great your surgical skills are if your patients don’t make it through recovery. And the big question is, if these medications were so important and if Renee’s output was high in Cleveland why wasn’t she on them in the hospital?

He kind of scolded Renee for not taking these medications when she got home, like it was her fault she didn’t get the information she needed, the old the best defense is a good offense routine. Can you see my blood boiling?

For a little over a week Renee’s been sporting a blister like protrusion at the base of her incision. I made her go to our general practitioner on Monday to make sure it was not anything life threatening. The doctor schedule was full but due to Renee’s post-op history she squeezed her in, literally and medically. She, the doctor, called it a goober and played with it for a while like it was one of those slippery stress balls. She said it was so much fun she had a hard time stopping. I looked up goober in the medical journals but couldn’t find anything. I also don’t know of any diagnostic testing that involves squeezing things like a water balloon just for kicks. I’m going to have to put on my vision enhancement devices and check the fine print on her diploma the next time I’m in her office. She did act a little bit like a doctor and ordered blood drawn to check for infection. The infection test came back negative so she said wait until Friday to show the surgeon. The surgeon said it is a knot. It is caused by internal stitches rubbing under the skin. It should go away by itself. If it doesn’t he’ll splice it during the next surgery.

The next surgery, number three and hopefully the final in the series, is scheduled for October 6. Renee’s got two months more to recover and to suffer with the loop ileostomy which is a pain in the stoma. I won’t trouble you with a repetition of the discomfort, inflammation and mishaps related to the current setup but to say that Renee’s none to happy with it and is looking forward to the next surgery.

There you have it, the beginning of the next chapter is in sight. The surgeon said that only 5% of the final “takedown” procedures result in full abdominal surgery and it should be nothing more than making a small incision. The stoma is closed and reinserted inside the body. Piece of cake right? 95% chance of only a minor invasive maneuver, right? Stay tuned, you know our gal’s problem with going along with the majority.

The surgeon also told Renee that between now and takedown she’s got to do Kegel exercises. She’s got to redevelop the muscle memory so she may have some control once her plumbing is reconnected. We’ve decided to work on this as a family. It shouldn’t be hard we’re going to jump right into the butt clenching this week as the in-laws arrive to stay with us until their moving truck shows up. This coming week they will officially become Loui-villains. Spell check tells me there is something wrong with that but I don’t see it.

All together now,

Scrunch, hold, release!
Scrunch, hold, release!
Scrunch, hold, release!