Bionic Butt Woman

It’s Renee’s birthday month. I got her what she’s been asking for the whole year, a bionic butt. She loves that line and uses it often. I think I’ll start calling her Jaime. C’mon guys, Jaime … you remember, Lyndsay Wagner played Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman. It’s a classic, better than the Six Million Dollar Man with Lee Majors, basically because you had slow motion shots of a nubile Lyndsay Wagner running and kicking everyone’s non-bionic butts to that stuttered metallic soundtrack - dunnunnununununun. (That’s metallic, not Metallica, you metal heads.) http://tinyd.net/70bionic.wav There was a short lived remake last year that was pretty good but it faded quickly. So it’s Jaime from now on. Everyone play along.

And catch all the shows here:
http://www.hulu.com/the-bionic-woman-classic

I got to the hospital before nine this morning, Renee was awake and had color in her cheeks and had already finished breakfast. No solid food yet but she’s doing well with the liquid diet. She got cleaned up and was about to take a walk when the nurse came in and asked if she wanted her IV disconnected first. Yes folks, less than 24 hours after surgery and she is tube free. It took a while to cut away all of the tape holding the line in place. Whoever set it up didn’t want that line to move a hair of a centimeter, it took the nurse about fifteen minutes to liberate Renee. It was like watching Greenpeace cut a dolphin free from a tuna net, quite a production.

Following Renee’s unshackling she practically ran away from the bed. She did three full laps in the outside lane of the fifth floor loop and was passing other patients like she was in the Nascar Cup Chase. Dunnunnununununun, you go Jaime. Where’s the slo-mo shot?

The best part of the morning is they let me watch them change the dressing. Yes, I heard that many of you were complaining about the lack of graphic descriptions of the unpleasant medical stuff this session. Don’t fret, I haven’t lost my touch and you really need to know. For example, you need to know what a stoma site looks like after it is reversed – a pair of raw, red pursed lips sewn together. There, that wasn’t so bad, was it? That’s because I lied, it looks more like a stitched up anus. That is after all what it was. I’ve told you before folks, this stuff ain’t pretty. You knew it was coming. You were waiting for it. Deep down you really wanted it. I could not disappoint.

Now, should we go into the description of the impending output from the new plumbing set up? Nah, I’ll save that one until we’ve got some more solid info for you.

The worst part this time around is there are no staples in Renee’s incision. You know I have a staple fascination and tried unsuccessfully to get Renee to let me pull them. She just wouldn’t let me have any fun. This time I can’t even play that game. Say awwww.

Remember the boom boom boom brawl I told you about that kept us up the other night? The culprit was a Cleveland Browns player who because of his antics got kicked out of town to the NY Jets, another episode of Celebrity Fringe for Renee and me. If this happened post-op rather than before, Bionic Butt Woman could have broken the whole thing up before the cops got there. Dunnunnununununun, Bionic Butt Woman to the rescue! Now we’ve just got to come up with the right costume.